Today, we went to therapy, and our wonderful therapist told us we could bring Jordan with us. She was fussy at first, but after about 15 minutes, she fell asleep. So here she is with her green blanket on the "therapy couch."
Interestingly, our therapist noted that Jordan did not look ill or fragile. It's true: if you see her and she's feeling okay, she seems fine. Her coat is super shiny since we've been cooking for her. She's alert. She walks and pants and smells stuff around her. Most people don't see what we do as her caretakers. She gets very agitated in the morning and at night—the times are pretty predictable. When she's in that state, she cries, she won't settle down, she is anxious and utterly inconsolable. We can take her outside, feed her, cuddle her, but nothing makes her feel better. We simply have to wait it out and eventually she settles down. It can take two or more hours. Before we changed her food and weaned her off her thyroid medication, it could go on for four hours. Twice a day. When she goes in the yard, about 90% of the time, she begins obsessively circling; the circles get smaller and smaller until she gets really dizzy and stops. Then she starts again. We have to carry her everywhere—a combination of her blindness and disorientation means she cannot navigate without running in to stuff—up and down stairs, from room to room, outside and back inside.
When she had her seizures back in 2008, they lasted for less than a minute each. She made this horrible screeching sound, her body went stiff, then she snapped out of it. When she had her seizure 2 weeks ago, it was entirely different. We were asleep, and her body began spasming. I woke up immediately. I knew. She lost consciousness and her body was jerking uncontrollably. Her mouth was open, then she started foaming at the mouth. I just stayed with her in bed, told her it was okay, and let it play out. It lasted for 7 minutes. When she came out of it, she was beside herself. She was freaked out. She started circling while standing in the bed, panting, crying. She did that for another 3 hours while I sat up with her. She finally fell asleep. It was really traumatic for all of us, and nothing like her other seizures. This was a grand mal seizure. The next morning, we immediately increased her phenobarbitol dosage, but we realized that even if the higher dose stopped the seizures, it would only be a temporary fix. Thankfully, she has not had an seizures since then. I pray every day that she doesn't have another one. I don't want to wait until she can't or won't eat, until she has another seizure, until she is in pain. That is what is on the horizon, and I don't want that for her.
Colten and I have talked before in therapy about Jordan's illness and the last stage of her life. Our therapist was really present today for us and didn't try to rationalize with us or calm us down or anything. I really appreciated it. I feel like Colten and I are on the same page about caring for Jordan until the end, and that is a blessing. We both feel good about what we are doing this week. Your comments on this blog and tweets and emails are AMAZING. Each one of them is a gift. I heard from one of my closest friends from high school (who I have not been in touch with in a million years) on Facebook today. It was so thoughtful and sweet. Because Jordan has travelled so much with us, she's met nearly everyone in our lives, and even people who don't like dogs (I'm looking at you, Ira) fall in love with her.
Of all three dogs, Jordan likes the water and swimming the most. It's so odd: she's a short-nosed breed that was never built for swimming, and yet, she loves it. Here's a video of her and Harley playing fetch at a beach in San Diego in 2005 - amazingly just a month after she lost her right eye. Her favorite toy is a slightly deflated soccer ball. Harley beats her to the first toss, which is shallow - but notice who dives in after the ball when it gets thrown out past where Harley's feet can touch, it's pretty amusing.
Jordan has always liked the beach, and one of my best memories is of the three of us at a beach in Santa Barbara. She wanted to play fetch with a bunch of big dogs (this is when she could still see). She dove into the water—the Pacific Ocean, people!—over and over. But one time the ball went really far. The golden retrievers and labs started swimming out for it, and Jordan just followed them. She got so far out, and suddenly a big wave came and crashed over her head. Colten and I panicked. Colten took off his shoes and socks and dove in the water after her, but there she was, dog paddling back to the shore. We haven't been to the beach since her last visit to CA a year ago, and we thought the weather this week was going to make it impossible. Our therapist told us about a nearby lake with a sandy beach, so we decided to go for it.
We had never been to this beach, which is part of a state park, so we admit we got a little lost! Finally, we arrived at Thompsons Lake in East Berne, and we were the only ones there. Jordan and I walked on the beach for a while. She eventually discovered the water and dipped her toes in. We walked around some more, then she headed back into the water. Soon, she was in deeper than she expected and couldn't figure out which way to get out. But she didn't panic, she just seemed confused. Jordan has always been fearless. It's inspiring. She's blind, she's in the water, and yet she still keeps going, still tries to figure it out. She's been like that her whole life—always unafraid, always looking forward, always optimistic. Well, we didn't want her to get too far out, so Colten rolled up his jeans, took off his shoes and socks and in he went to "rescue" her.
He swooped her up and we went back to the car where we rolled her up in a big towel to dry her off. we got in the car and turned the heat on, and she fell asleep on my lap.
This morning our day started in a very unexpected way. I was asleep upstairs with Jordan. Colten was in the backyard. I heard a blood-curdling scream, jumped out of bed, flew down the stairs and found Toni, flat on his back on our deck. He had slipped and fallen. He was in excruciating pain, his knee was swollen, and he couldn’t move. We called 911. The EMTs arrived, assessed him, and off to the hospital they went, suspecting he had a dislocated knee or possibly a break. Yikes. Not how I thought our day would go. Colten followed the ambulance, and I stayed back to watch the dogs. I had a long phone call with Kate, my best friend and Jordan’s godmother. It was wonderful, I cried a lot, but it felt good. I tried to do some chores as I received 30 minute text updates from the hospital. Our dear friend Barbara Carrellas arrived from New York City. I felt grateful to see her and just have someone acknowledge how crazy everything was. Then the FedEx man and the postal carrier arrived with two packages—a gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers from our friend Davis and a box of treats from Amelie. Two wonderful surprises! About an hour later, Colten returned with Toni in a knee brace and on crutches. Nothing is broken, luckily. A follow up with an orthopedic surgeon and an MRI will give us more information. We installed Toni on the couch and ate a late lunch. Jordan got to have ice cream (Frosty Paws ice cream for dogs) for dessert after dinner.
We had a call with Laura the animal communicator, and all four of us—me, Colten, Toni, and Barbara—were on the line. Jordan said she felt lighter, and she felt like she was sometimes not in her body. We wanted Laura to explain to Jordan what is going to happen tomorrow. Barbara has prepared a ritual for us to help Jordan cross over, and we’ve made an appointment with our vet to come to the house to assist Barbara. Tomorrow is a day with a lot of meaning. It’s Halloween. It is the Pagan holiday of Samhain (the Pagan New Year), which celebrates the end of the lighter half of the year and the beginning of the darker half of the year. Pagans believe that on Samhain the border between this world and the other world is the most thin, allowing spirits to easily pass through. It is my late father’s birthday (I know, I am the daughter of a man born on Halloween, go figure). It is also my Daddy’s birthday.
Jordan had a really good morning today. It didn’t take her long to settle down after breakfast. She spent the morning lounging on the couch in my study with Reggie Love. Then, I decided to use the rest of the apples we picked, so I made an apple pie!
It’s a recipe for apple pie with a crumb topping that my mother has been making since before I was born.
Once the pie was out of the oven, Jordan and I got into our Halloween costumes. And now it can be revealed…We are Bumble Bees!
Colten took photos of us after we dressed up. We wanted to take them outside, but it began raining as soon as we were ready.
Question of the day: who is the Queen Bee? It’s difficult to say since we both have very strong personalities.
Reggie Love and Harley wanted to know what was going on, and eventually, with lots of coaxing, Colten got a shot of me and all three dogs.
We can’t find our small camera, which has a timer, so in order to get a shot of Colten, Jordan, and I together, we experimented with the tripod. Colten decided that he would dress up as the Beekeeper.
We abandoned trying to get all three of us in the shot, so I took some of the Beekeeper and the Boston Terrier Bumble Bee.
Jordan and I have decided to wear our costumes to the airport tonight when we pick up Uncle Toni (my big brother, Jordan’s uncle), who’s coming from Boston to spend the weekend with us. We are all looking forward to his visit so much!
Interestingly, our therapist noted that Jordan did not look ill or fragile. It's true: if you see her and she's feeling okay, she seems fine. Her coat is super shiny since we've been cooking for her. She's alert. She walks and pants and smells stuff around her. Most people don't see what we do as her caretakers. She gets very agitated in the morning and at night—the times are pretty predictable. When she's in that state, she cries, she won't settle down, she is anxious and utterly inconsolable. We can take her outside, feed her, cuddle her, but nothing makes her feel better. We simply have to wait it out and eventually she settles down. It can take two or more hours. Before we changed her food and weaned her off her thyroid medication, it could go on for four hours. Twice a day. When she goes in the yard, about 90% of the time, she begins obsessively circling; the circles get smaller and smaller until she gets really dizzy and stops. Then she starts again. We have to carry her everywhere—a combination of her blindness and disorientation means she cannot navigate without running in to stuff—up and down stairs, from room to room, outside and back inside.
We had never been to this beach, which is part of a state park, so we admit we got a little lost! Finally, we arrived at Thompsons Lake in East Berne, and we were the only ones there. Jordan and I walked on the beach for a while. She eventually discovered the water and dipped her toes in. We walked around some more, then she headed back into the water. Soon, she was in deeper than she expected and couldn't figure out which way to get out. But she didn't panic, she just seemed confused. Jordan has always been fearless. It's inspiring. She's blind, she's in the water, and yet she still keeps going, still tries to figure it out. She's been like that her whole life—always unafraid, always looking forward, always optimistic. Well, we didn't want her to get too far out, so Colten rolled up his jeans, took off his shoes and socks and in he went to "rescue" her.
He swooped her up and we went back to the car where we rolled her up in a big towel to dry her off. we got in the car and turned the heat on, and she fell asleep on my lap.
She also picked out a GIANT bone for Reggie Love and Harley.
Next up, we checked out all the costumes. She tried on a sheep (or ram?) costume which definitely had potential.
There was also an interesting inch worm.
