Jordan Goes to Therapy (and the Beach)

Today, we went to therapy, and our wonderful therapist told us we could bring Jordan with us. She was fussy at first, but after about 15 minutes, she fell asleep. So here she is with her green blanket on the "therapy couch."

Interestingly, our therapist noted that Jordan did not look ill or fragile. It's true: if you see her and she's feeling okay, she seems fine. Her coat is super shiny since we've been cooking for her. She's alert. She walks and pants and smells stuff around her. Most people don't see what we do as her caretakers. She gets very agitated in the morning and at night—the times are pretty predictable. When she's in that state, she cries, she won't settle down, she is anxious and utterly inconsolable. We can take her outside, feed her, cuddle her, but nothing makes her feel better. We simply have to wait it out and eventually she settles down. It can take two or more hours. Before we changed her food and weaned her off her thyroid medication, it could go on for four hours. Twice a day. When she goes in the yard, about 90% of the time, she begins obsessively circling; the circles get smaller and smaller until she gets really dizzy and stops. Then she starts again. We have to carry her everywhere—a combination of her blindness and disorientation means she cannot navigate without running in to stuff—up and down stairs, from room to room, outside and back inside.

When she had her seizures back in 2008, they lasted for less than a minute each. She made this horrible screeching sound, her body went stiff, then she snapped out of it. When she had her seizure 2 weeks ago, it was entirely different. We were asleep, and her body began spasming. I woke up immediately. I knew. She lost consciousness and her body was jerking uncontrollably. Her mouth was open, then she started foaming at the mouth. I just stayed with her in bed, told her it was okay, and let it play out. It lasted for 7 minutes. When she came out of it, she was beside herself. She was freaked out. She started circling while standing in the bed, panting, crying. She did that for another 3 hours while I sat up with her. She finally fell asleep. It was really traumatic for all of us, and nothing like her other seizures. This was a grand mal seizure. The next morning, we immediately increased her phenobarbitol dosage, but we realized that even if the higher dose stopped the seizures, it would only be a temporary fix. Thankfully, she has not had an seizures since then. I pray every day that she doesn't have another one. I don't want to wait until she can't or won't eat, until she has another seizure, until she is in pain. That is what is on the horizon, and I don't want that for her.

Colten and I have talked before in therapy about Jordan's illness and the last stage of her life. Our therapist was really present today for us and didn't try to rationalize with us or calm us down or anything. I really appreciated it. I feel like Colten and I are on the same page about caring for Jordan until the end, and that is a blessing. We both feel good about what we are doing this week. Your comments on this blog and tweets and emails are AMAZING. Each one of them is a gift. I heard from one of my closest friends from high school (who I have not been in touch with in a million years) on Facebook today. It was so thoughtful and sweet. Because Jordan has travelled so much with us, she's met nearly everyone in our lives, and even people who don't like dogs (I'm looking at you, Ira) fall in love with her.

Of all three dogs, Jordan likes the water and swimming the most. It's so odd: she's a short-nosed breed that was never built for swimming, and yet, she loves it. Here's a video of her and Harley playing fetch at a beach in San Diego in 2005 - amazingly just a month after she lost her right eye. Her favorite toy is a slightly deflated soccer ball. Harley beats her to the first toss, which is shallow - but notice who dives in after the ball when it gets thrown out past where Harley's feet can touch, it's pretty amusing.

Jordan has always liked the beach, and one of my best memories is of the three of us at a beach in Santa Barbara. She wanted to play fetch with a bunch of big dogs (this is when she could still see). She dove into the water—the Pacific Ocean, people!—over and over. But one time the ball went really far. The golden retrievers and labs started swimming out for it, and Jordan just followed them. She got so far out, and suddenly a big wave came and crashed over her head. Colten and I panicked. Colten took off his shoes and socks and dove in the water after her, but there she was, dog paddling back to the shore. We haven't been to the beach since her last visit to CA a year ago, and we thought the weather this week was going to make it impossible. Our therapist told us about a nearby lake with a sandy beach, so we decided to go for it.

We had never been to this beach, which is part of a state park, so we admit we got a little lost! Finally, we arrived at Thompsons Lake in East Berne, and we were the only ones there. Jordan and I walked on the beach for a while. She eventually discovered the water and dipped her toes in. We walked around some more, then she headed back into the water. Soon, she was in deeper than she expected and couldn't figure out which way to get out. But she didn't panic, she just seemed confused. Jordan has always been fearless. It's inspiring. She's blind, she's in the water, and yet she still keeps going, still tries to figure it out. She's been like that her whole life—always unafraid, always looking forward, always optimistic. Well, we didn't want her to get too far out, so Colten rolled up his jeans, took off his shoes and socks and in he went to "rescue" her.

He swooped her up and we went back to the car where we rolled her up in a big towel to dry her off. we got in the car and turned the heat on, and she fell asleep on my lap.

Last Night

Colten and Jordan fell asleep before me and I just could not resist snapping this shot.

Shopping Trip

The weather really didn't cooperate with our plan to go to the beach; thunderstorms were in the forecast, so we decided not to risk it. I am someone who thought I'd never dress up my dog. But Jordan doesn't have a whole lot of hair and easily gets chilly in the cold weather. So, it started with one coat, then a sweater, and then there was a mini-wardrobe. I am not sure if it's her dog show past, but Jordan is incredibly tolerant about wearing clothes. She will let me dress her in nearly anything! Usually, it's all about keeping her warm and comfy during the winter, but a few years ago, we got her a Halloween costume. Last year, we found this amazing pig costume, which I just could not resist. Of course, we had to get costumes for the other two dogs. We did a photo shoot with all three (which you can see on Facebook), and it was lots of fun.

Today, we decided to go shopping with Jordan for this year's Halloween costume. Of course, once she arrived at our local pet store, she wanted to check out all the yummy treats. She has high standards, so she is drawn to the organic, homebaked goodies. We let her sniff out her favorites, we bought them, and then we let her indulge in whatever she wanted.

She also picked out a GIANT bone for Reggie Love and Harley.

Next up, we checked out all the costumes. She tried on a sheep (or ram?) costume which definitely had potential.

There was also an interesting inch worm.

Colten liked the penguin, but we couldn't try it on her. There was also a very strange bus with peace signs all over it. It just felt strange dressing my dog as a hippie ride to Woodstock! I was grooving on a dinosaur costume, but we could not find it in her size.

In the past, we have kept Jordan on a pretty strict diet since it's very easy for her to gain weight after one trip to her dogsitter (who spoils her with treats) and lots of food upsets her delicate tummy. We've given that up, letting her eat as much as she wants this week, so she's definitely gotten chunky! Boston Terriers are not easy to fit into dog clothes in the first place, and we wanted to make sure her thick little body fit in the costume. So, the dinosaur wasn't going to work. What did we end up with? Well, you'll just have to wait and see.

We picked up some dinner for the humans, and Jordan was getting fussy after being in the car and making so many different stops. Halfway home, she finally fell asleep in my arms, nuzzling her muzzle against the crease of my elbow and breathing warm air into my skin. I managed to keep her sleeping when I brought her inside and parked her bundled up on the couch to continue sleeping.

the snoring Boston Terrier

Special thanks to Lorna Hunt for teching this file conversion. This was Jordan snoring last night, a very common occurrence - especially when she is sharing your pillow.

Talking with Jordan

Today was full of tears for me (Tristan). I woke up sad and just couldn't shake it all day. We had a phone appointment with Laura, the animal communicator. Disclosure here: we have spoken with our pets through this animal communicator for about 5 years. She has told us some uncanny things, and we choose to believe that she can communicate with our pets and the information she gives us is helpful. The last time we spoke, about 4 weeks ago, Jordan told us that her stomach was feeling much better since we started cooking for her. But, like the call before that, she did not seem ready to die; in fact, she said she felt better overall since we changed her diet and added supplements and homeopathic remedies. Today, things were different. She described her body as a "broken clock," and said she was not happy or enjoying life. She described her grand mal seizure from 2 weeks ago, and the description she gave Laura sounded like a near-death experience. She told Laura it was clear that Colten and I were very upset, but that she was ready to go to dog heaven. She just wants to feel better. She said she enjoyed her visit to the cows and she felt like she had pretty much done everything she wanted to in her life. She did say she'd like to go to the beach. Not a surprise, since she's been to the beach with us many times and used to love to swim. So, we've decided to make a spontaneous trip to the beach tomorrow. I just felt so much grief today, and it would not stop washing over me. Jordan's impending death is bringing up lots of issues for me around the death of loved ones, specifically my father. I know that we are doing the right thing for her, but it doesn't stop the sadness from feeling totally overwhelming. Colten was determined to get us all out of the house, so we finally got in the car and headed to our local park with Jordan and Reggie Love. We decided to leave Harley at home to hold down the fort. Jordan walked around a little and did not immediately begin circling, as she often does at home, so that was a pleasant surprise. Then she laid down on the blanket with me, and Colten took some photos.

Monday adventures for the BT

We have decided to make it a priority to spend quality time with Jordan this week and do things that we know she loves. Today, we headed to visit a small cow farm. First, we stopped by the Freehold Country Store for a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. Jordan really likes when we get these (and any of you who've visited us have probably sampled one). Colten ordered extra bacon so Jordan could have an entire strip for herself in addition to a big piece of Tristan's sandwich. She loved it!

Jordan also loves the smell of cows and cow manure. She has visited several farms before, and she always goes right up to the biggest animals, including cows and bulls, to sniff them out. She is totally unafraid of animals that are much bigger than her. Fearlessness has always been one of the qualities I admire in her; she's full-steam ahead, balls to the wall every day. Because she's lost her sight, her meeting of the cows had to depend mostly on her sense of smell, which, luckily, is still working.

Many of the cows looked up and checked us all out as we approached the fence. Two cows in particular took a liking to her. One smelled her, nose to nose (and sneezed on me). Another one decided to be bold and used her enormous tongue to lick the side of Jordan's face. Unbelievably, Colten captured it on film!

Jordan used to take great pleasure in rolling in smelly things, and manure was the jackpot. When she was on leash, it was fairly easy to steer her away from it, but when she was off leash, she would often roll in it and trot back to us feeling very proud of herself. I wore special shoes today so I could walk her right through the manure. This if the first time Jordan has ever had access to cow manure and not rolled in it gleefully—it's just one of those moments when we realize that she is not entirely herself.


We walked across the street to a local farm stand, where Jordan posed with giant pumpkins.








Then, we headed to our local swimming hole, a beautiful spot very close to our house. It's one of our favorite places to visit, to take guests, and to swim. We brought all three dogs there once and they had a great time. We were super lucky to have a mild, warm day—it was almost 70. Colten toted Jordan all over, and she posed for about a hundred photos. She was entirely chilled out as he carried her through the stream in his arms to one rock, then the next, trying to get the lighting right. Back when she could see, she was an amazing model, posing, giving looks to the camera. She's still pretty amazing. Although she cannot see, Colten simply follows where she's looking. She remained calm and never fussed once the entire time. When he brought her over to the rock I was sitting on, she continued to be calm, and she even fell asleep on me. I am trying to stay really present with her, and I found the tears welling up in my eyes. I got very sad that these are the final days of her life, and this would be her final trip to the swimming hole.

Where Things Are, an update from Tristan

Colten and I decided to take the entire summer off from traveling, public appearances, and events. We had the rare opportunity to spend a lot of time at home, entertaining house guests, doing home projects, and gardening. We also spent a lot of time with our wonderful three dogs Reggie Love, Jordan and Harley. This summer, it became clear to Colten and I that Jordan, our Boston Terrier, is not doing well. Let's back up for a minute and bring everyone up to speed.

After having several seizures in January of 2008, Jordan had an MRI and was diagnosed with a benign, non-operable meningioma brain tumor and put on phenobarbitol. It was pretty devastating news for us, but we knew right away that we wanted her to have the best possible care and we wanted to treat the tumor aggressively. I took a writing job that I was on the fence about in order to pay for her care. We went to the Veterinary Cancer Center in Culver City, California (where Colten's family lives) where she received 4 1/2 weeks of daily radiation treatment under the care of Dr. Jared Lyons. The staff at the center was amazing, and we even made friends with another couple whose dog Honey was being treated for a nasal tumor. Jordan was a real trooper—she had to be sedated every day in order to receive radiation; she was cheery, had few side effects, and didn't even lose her hair. She has remained symptom-free since then. Under the care of our vet here at home, we have even decreased her phenobarbitol significantly (by half), and she still has no seizures.

This summer, she began to exhibit new symptoms, including disorientation and repetitive circling, which are "classic" signs of a brain tumor. So we believe the tumor has grown back. We can have another MRI done (which requires sedation and has a hefty price tag, about $2500), to confirm the tumor has returned. But, then what? Well, we've consulted Dr. Lyons, who says that he can re-radiate the area, do just a few high doses of radiation, or do palliative radiation (which he believes in, but has not been proven or disproven to work—it's fairly new). She has one eye, is blind, and has lived for 14 years—we're not sure that we want to put her through another round of radiation. In August, he said if we do nothing, he estimated that she had a maximum of two months to live. It's now October.

We consider our dogs members of our family; they are very, very important to us. Anyone who knows us knows that we are devoted to them. I am especially connected to Jordan, who I got when she was nine months old. She was bred to be a show dog and was retired because she was winning second place at all the dog shows. I don't think I have spent more time with another living creature. Until her brain tumor, she traveled everywhere with us, and when I am home, she sits by my side (literally, in my favorite chair) as I work all day. She and I saw the Grand Canyon for the first time together, she has driven across the country five times, and she has flown over 100,000 miles. She used to love to swim, and swam in rivers, ponds, and lakes around the country as well as in the Pacific Ocean. She has survived dog fights, being hit by a car (when she lost her eye), an operation with a bone graft for her jaw, and partial then complete blindness.

She does not appear to be in any pain. She sleeps a lot. When she goes out in the yard, she gets lost, and someone has to fetch her and bring her back inside.

In September, we decided to cancel or reschedule nearly all our travel through the end of 2010 in order to be here for her. I turned down things I really wanted to do. This isn't the best decision for our finances or my career, but it's the best one for our family.